Keeping Up with Lofty Goals, and Unexpected Insecurity
I just went back and reread a blog post I wrote called "Intent." I have this habit of setting insane goals for myself and then falling short of them. It's a predictable pattern, but one that I am trying to shift. I've realized that I'm really really good at hitting a stride. My struggle comes when something comes along to interrupt the stride. I miss a day of yoga, I ease up on instagram building, and suddenly what began as a little misstep or pause, spirals into complete abandonment of the goal. I know this about myself, so my next question for myself is, well, what do I DO about it?
In life, I volley between acceptance/going with the flow, and an insane "doer" mentality that drives me bonkers if I happen to find myself with time to kill. If I'm not creating or doing something meaningful I slink back into self-sabotaging behavior that generally involves buying things to make spaces pretty as a way to exert power over situations that I ultimately have no power over. Finding the balance between making things happen and LETTING things happen is perhaps the holy grail of my life's work and I exist somewhere in that tension.
Like, when am I actually going to write a blog about design instead of these mildly therapeutic meanderings that maybe are only cathartic to me?
I'm in between projects right now and waiting to hear back on a bid I just gave to a potential client. Waiting for the response has thrown me in emotional limbo I think. There is an undercurrent of anxiety that arises after a submission like that. It's a big project---one of the biggest I've done (if I get it) and the implications of it for my bank account and portfolio are huge. But having needlessly suffered in my past from hanging hopes on things that didn't happen has conditioned me to be less attached to outcomes and that, I suppose, is a happy byproduct of getting older and wiser.
It's been a week since I submitted, and even though I'm not thinking about it on the daily, my dream life has been full of tell-tale signs of insecurity. My brain has gone into overdrive by turning its attention to all the projects in our home that I'd like to tackle, knowing full well that we don't have the money to tackle said projects, and I waste time worrying and wondering how we will ever get out of debt and live our dream life. I cringe as I type that. In so many ways I AM living my dream. We have a great house, we live next door to our best buds, we have community, we run a business that we love, and we are healthy. There is NOTHING to complain or worry about-----just an undercurrent of stress that comes from the knowledge that everything we own is not truly owned, and that we work like crazy to sustain things that could be pulled out from under us with a job loss or accident. Insecurity. Breathe it in!
This blog got derailed. It was meant to reassert a commitment to the goals I so valiantly asserted back in the spring. I'm behind. My instagram game got shut down with the algorithm change. Suddenly, amassing a following isn't quite as easy as it once was. It stopped being easy I stopped trying, so, my bad. I'm gonna get back on it.
I have been keeping relatively on top of reaching out to local businesses and featuring them both here on the blog and on youtube and Instagram. My "befriend realtor" game is in severe drought and that needs addressing. And, my "24 design blogs by the end of the year" goal is also lagging. I think that I'm not a design blogger. As much as I love and adore design, finding new content regarding light fixtures and furniture styles to write about consistently sounds like a drag. I'm far more interested in the human element of design and I've got to figure out some way to parlay that into my work in a way that brings in revenue. Any ideas?
"There's still time to rectify all of this by year's end," sayeth my turbo doer brain. "Focus on staying open and flexible and trusting in the process," sayeth my Yoda brain. And here I am, locked in a tennis match between these two extremes, debating whether to lay in the hammock, or use it to go net me some of my dreams.
Happy Summer Guys.